< Me, Myself & Life

Lies Of Deception

We all lie, or – politely stated – hide part of the truth. Anyone who brags otherwise, is in fact, guilty as charged. We lie for all sorts of reasons; to be courteous to others, to set one’s own boundaries, to cover up for a mistake, to avoid unpleasant repercussions, to save one’s privacy, etc. Yet, irrespective of the intention for not stating part, or the whole truth; once disclosed, certain lies have a more profound impact on relationships than others. Those are the lies we fabricate to entangle people around us with unjustifiable emotional drama to beget their sympathy. The belief that others are out there to envy our fortunes, is usually the main driver. And there are the lies we create to intentionally keep people close to us in the dark to indulge in reckless momentary personal pleasures. Secret lustful affairs usually fall into this category.

Lies of deception are not a one-off inaccuracy. To make it a fool-proof cohesive story and to avoid the embarrassment of being caught out, the person is forced to make up one lie after the other, until they are stuck into a knee-high sea of deceit. Oftentimes the truth reveals itself when one of those lies is inaccurately recalled, or fatefully disclosed by an unsolicited external event. This is when the whole web of lies is broken down. And this is when the real damage strikes.

Lies of deception are not the private matter of the person fabricating them. Their consequences hurt those closest and dearest to that person. When truth is revealed – and most of the times it eventually is – those we mostly care about not only feel their trust has been betrayed and their pure emotions were manipulated by the least expected, but they start to question themselves and what they could have possibly done to instigate such a cold-hearted betrayal. Most relationships expectedly and painfully end at the point of reveal. But if some were destined to continue, they never are the same again. A foundational crack has occurred and the parties’ association with each other will always be managed from that broken prism.

Relationships that truly matter are few and critical in our lives. To nurture them, we ought to steer away from what might risk their healthy survival. Whenever tempted to meticulously fabricate a lie of deceptive nature, we ought to pause and really challenge ourselves if the potential gain of that lie is worth the pain we would ultimately cause to those we genuinely care about.

Selfless Love Or Selfishness

Days ago, I watched the life stories of some of the world’s great chefs. A recurrent theme running across their journeys to ascent, was the initial reaction of disappointment and rejection from their parents when they knew about their career decision. Some have even severed ties with them for years until they came back with a feeling of pride over what the once thought-of-losers have successfully accomplished in the field they passionately chose to pursue.

Despite being a thing of the past now, those renowned chefs could not help their eyes from welling as they recounted the earlier part about their parents’ emotional abandonment. It is thought provoking, how the noble desire to love and protect can sometimes cross the fine threshold of becoming an act of outright selfishness.

All parents have an innate hope for their children to become the best. Many of them have a clear vision of how this best should look like; a certain education for a particular career field; usually the most prestigious, the highest paying or a continuation of a family business legacy. Toward that end, they start conditioning their children that this is what success looks like. They pull threads from all possible corners and invest their time, effort and resources to push them in that particular direction. All their dreams come to a soring crash when the child announces a diversion from the pre-determined path. To parents, that is not only a huge disappointment, but an act of recklessness and a lack of gratitude for what they have selflessly worked for.

What parents might miss is that it is their children’s journey, not their own. That their primary concern is their children’s happiness and success, rather than the path in itself. And that while they have worked hard to plant the right seeds in bringing them up, there comes a point when they just have to let go. This does not mean that their children will get it all right all the time. They will definitely stumble and meet dead ends. But this is part of their evolution, of finding their own identity and of toughening up.

Carving one’s own path is painful and is filled with extreme moments of challenging one’s core, the fear of losing and disappointing one’s self. During those spiraling moments, children need to feel the support of their parents to lean against and take guidance from, so they can bounce back up stronger than before. Parents’ rejection of their children’s choices and shutting them out of their lives, only adds to the emotional pressure of the children. They not only need to prove themselves to their own selves and to the world, but they now have to prove to their parents that they were worthy of their love and trust. That is a lot to take for an already harsh journey .

Choosing a different path is not a sign of failure. This might be the path speaking to our children’s unique skills and passion. Their sweat and dedication as they progress in it might grant them a proud success or teach them the lessons needed to succeed in another path, when the right time comes. Hard as it is for parents, but letting go and trusting their earlier hard work in raising up their children, is an integral part of what they have signed up for when they decided to take on that role.

The stories of those chefs – and many others – are a reflection of the fine line separating parental selfless love from selfishness. The conscious decision to stay a solid companion along our children’s chosen path, rather than a hanging whip on their back against the backdrop of their journey.

Conversation with Self

Always In My Present Tense

It could have been much simpler to think and feel like the others. That I will not be able to talk to you whenever I want. That I will not hear your ringing laughter anymore. That we will not engage in mental debates for hours until we realize that one or both of us need to be somewhere or do something else. That we will not complain or seek the support of each other about something nobody else will understand, because our lives are so much intertwined with highs and lows no one will be able to keep up with. That I have lost you.

The fact of the matter; I do not think or feel like the others. My reality is: I have not lost you.

You are still my close companion through my journey. Your pure energy and kindness. Your contagious smiles and reflective looks. Your sarcasm about life and the trivialities others are busying themselves with. I get stuck at a dilemma and your voice echoes with your view in your usual calm, deep, reassuring and non-judgmental way. I stand guided now more than ever by your relentless messages about enjoying life, taking it easy, letting things be and always respecting our mind. How can I believe I have lost you when your loving, happy soul is surrounding me all day long.

We do not lose those we love when they change locations to the place we will all ultimately go to. We lose them when we unjustifiably shut them out of our lives in this life. When being busy chasing fading material possessions and worldly leisures causes us to forget expressing what they mean to us and how we truly feel for them. When we continue to hold grudges and refuse to forgive because of self-centered egoistic considerations. This is the true loss. This is when we feel the continuous ache of our heart and the hollowness of our soul, no matter how many people we are surrounded with and how desperately we try to distract ourselves. This is the true meaning of loss. This is when grief hits us.

I am not sad and I refuse to surround myself with sad feelings. My focus is to honor your outlook and integrate it into my own. Live life and make sure to be comfortable in our flip-flops while walking the journey. We are all eventually leaving so we might as well enjoy the ride. You are and will always be in my present tense.